I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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