i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
