remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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