Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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