my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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