Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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