you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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