I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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