Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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