Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
