My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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