Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
