do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
