Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
