i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
