How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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