just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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