my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
