Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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