If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
