tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
you made out with another girl for some wings
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
