By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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