i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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