i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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