Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
