Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
