Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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