arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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