Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
