we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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