How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
