Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
