a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
