I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
