bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
