You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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