I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
