Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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