I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
