I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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