im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I think pants incapable of making pants work
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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