Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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