Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My vagina is officially offended.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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