I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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