my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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