Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
