dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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