I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
