I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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