im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Even my vagina gasped.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
