It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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